Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels
March 25, 2020. It’s funny how that date can mean nothing significant to you that morning, but by the end of the day, it will be a day that you will never forget.
That night I held my husband, Jed in my arms,
lying on the floor and pleading to God out loud to please let him breathe as his whole entire face was grey.
lying on the floor and pleading to God out loud to please let him breathe as his whole entire face was grey.
Just moments earlier
I was writing a post for my new social media page to help others find joy
in the hard times that we are facing right now.
Jed was sitting across from me with the boys,
looking at things online to get my 5 year old for his upcoming birthday.
We had classical music playing and it was a peaceful evening.
I was writing a post for my new social media page to help others find joy
in the hard times that we are facing right now.
Jed was sitting across from me with the boys,
looking at things online to get my 5 year old for his upcoming birthday.
We had classical music playing and it was a peaceful evening.
As I was reviewing my writing, I heard my son say “Mom! What’s wrong with Dad?”
I looked up to see my husband’s face completely distorted and his body tightening and shaking.
I knew what it was- but I didn’t want to believe it.
It has been 10 since his brain tumor was removed.
We thought those days were behind us, and have emotionally closed that very difficult chapter.
So when I saw what was happening I had several feelings all at once.
Shock
Devastation
Anger
And panic.
I screamed “NO!! NO!!” as I ran across the room to him.
“Jed! No!” I couldn’t believe this was happening.
All the trauma that I have tucked away from the previous episodes of Jed going unconscious
because of his brain getting irritated before his last surgery-
and the trials that we went through with his brain tumor 10 years ago immediately came back to the surface.
because of his brain getting irritated before his last surgery-
and the trials that we went through with his brain tumor 10 years ago immediately came back to the surface.
I didn’t know what to do, it was just me and the kids, and I was too panicked to think clearly.
I told my 11 year old to call 911 as he stood there frozen with confusion and worry,
and starting to cry out loud.
and starting to cry out loud.
He doesn’t even have a phone and I couldn’t get mine to work.
I realized then that all the kids were seeing me freak out,
no child should have to see what they saw with their dad.
So I tried to calm down for them and held Jed while he was still unconscious and not breathing,
and told him it was going to be ok in a reassuring voice over and over
while rocking him back and forth so the kids could see it was going to be ok,
even though I didn’t know if it was.
no child should have to see what they saw with their dad.
So I tried to calm down for them and held Jed while he was still unconscious and not breathing,
and told him it was going to be ok in a reassuring voice over and over
while rocking him back and forth so the kids could see it was going to be ok,
even though I didn’t know if it was.
I then told my son to run to our neighbors house and have them come because of an emergency.
When the kids were all out the door,
I cried out loud to heaven and asked for God to please not take Jed- I wasn’t ready for him to die.
To please let him breathe.
I cried out loud to heaven and asked for God to please not take Jed- I wasn’t ready for him to die.
To please let him breathe.
I just held him and prayed. He was almost black and I thought “this is it- he’s going to die..
I haven’t done all the things I wanted to do with him,
we were supposed to grow old together, this can’t be it”
we were supposed to grow old together, this can’t be it”
Then suddenly his whole entire body went limp. “.. He’s gone” was all I could think.
But then I heard him take a deep breath,
and a hand wrap behind me and squeeze my behind. (some things never change,
but I couldn’t have been more happier)
and a hand wrap behind me and squeeze my behind. (some things never change,
but I couldn’t have been more happier)
My entire body relaxed as his did too.
He asked what happened, and I told him he went unconscious for about 5 minutes.
I could see the confusion and disappointment in his face.
We didn’t know what this meant, or why it happened.
Both our minds were racing and wondering if this meant that his brain tumor was coming back.
Just then, several neighbors came running to the front door that was still open.
Neighbors that I didn’t even know their first name,
but saw my kids running down the street hysterical for someone to help.
One was my husband’s co worker and he stayed with us but saw my kids running down the street hysterical for someone to help.
while his wife took all the kids home to their house so they could be distracted,
and so we could have a private moment.
Another friend who lives down the street that was notified quickly came down and so we could have a private moment.
and they prayed for Jed with us.
It was so comforting.
It was so comforting.
As we were shaking hands, thanking them for coming,
it was the first time I remembered that this was the first time I’ve been around any other people in weeks.
I had completely forgotten about the CoronaVirus which now seemed so insignificant to me-
and insignificant to those that came to our aide as well.
I had been given hugs, my kids welcomed into another home,
and hands literally lifting us up when we were in need.
It was touching to me that they no longer cared about social distancing for the moment..
They were there for us, no matter what.
it was the first time I remembered that this was the first time I’ve been around any other people in weeks.
I had completely forgotten about the CoronaVirus which now seemed so insignificant to me-
and insignificant to those that came to our aide as well.
I had been given hugs, my kids welcomed into another home,
and hands literally lifting us up when we were in need.
It was touching to me that they no longer cared about social distancing for the moment..
They were there for us, no matter what.
We got the kids soon after, and after they asked a million questions,
we finally went to bed with all of them either next to us or on the floor, from being so shaken up.
We are still trying to process all that happened, the kids are still sleeping on our floor, we finally went to bed with all of them either next to us or on the floor, from being so shaken up.
and Jed is getting scheduled for an MRI soon.
We just have to stay positive and trust in the Lord, who has never left our side from the beginning.
Here is what I wrote right before this all happened- I thought it was timely and very ironic.
These words are more true to me than ever.
There is always a way to find joy no matter what we are going through.
(And yes, I did go running and it helped immensely) and it’s ok to not be ok for a little bit,
today I am crying (a LOT) and trying to process the trauma that happened.
Maybe tomorrow I will be a little stronger and be able to look for the good (there is always an upside)
and lean on what I have built the last 34 years of my life- Joy.
There is always a way to find joy no matter what we are going through.
(And yes, I did go running and it helped immensely) and it’s ok to not be ok for a little bit,
today I am crying (a LOT) and trying to process the trauma that happened.
Maybe tomorrow I will be a little stronger and be able to look for the good (there is always an upside)
and lean on what I have built the last 34 years of my life- Joy.
LEAN ON JOY (written right before the incident)
At a time like this, as the whole world is dealing with a situation we’ve never been in with the CoronaVirus-
I feel strongly I need to do my part to help others find the light in the dark, the lemonade in the lemons,
and the JOY in the chaos. I, like many of you, have had my share of hard times.
But it’s through those times that I’ve discovered that we may not be able to control our circumstances,
but we CAN control how we react.
So I, along with one of my dear friends, Krista, have decided to start an Instagram page called LeanOnJoy.
Life can knock you off your feet in a split second,
and as much as I wish I could brush myself off and get back up,
there are times that I don’t have the strength to stand- so all I can do is LEAN..
lean onto what I know to support me through hard times. The things that bring me JOY.
There are many things that bring me Joy. My faith, prayer, music, but one thing I want to talk about specifically that has carried me through trials since I was 11 is running. It helps me feel calm, it helps me feel strong, and it helps me HEAL as I am alone to run it out with my headphones in, listening to my favorite playlist. I feel strongly I need to do my part to help others find the light in the dark, the lemonade in the lemons,
and the JOY in the chaos. I, like many of you, have had my share of hard times.
But it’s through those times that I’ve discovered that we may not be able to control our circumstances,
but we CAN control how we react.
So I, along with one of my dear friends, Krista, have decided to start an Instagram page called LeanOnJoy.
Life can knock you off your feet in a split second,
and as much as I wish I could brush myself off and get back up,
there are times that I don’t have the strength to stand- so all I can do is LEAN..
lean onto what I know to support me through hard times. The things that bring me JOY.
I will be touching on running a lot through my posts, but right now I want to share this as my JOY during the CoronaVirus pandemic. With 4 kids at home now, 3 now being home schooled, being in a new state away from all our family- this has been what gives me peace and calms my worries. Even if it’s just for 20 minutes- I make the time to give myself some “me” time. This is one of the things I lean on to get me through.