Mile 2 Begins..

As grateful as I am that Jed is home from the hospital, it brought new challenges and overwhelm.
Mile 2 has begun!

I didn't want Jed in the hospital anymore than he did, since he couldn't have any visitors, but just like when you bring a newborn baby home- it is scary!

You feel like you are going to mess up, and that you aren't qualified to keep this person alive.

Here is the amount of medications Jed is on

We sat down and made sure that we had all the medications on the schedule and when to take them. We also wanted to stay on top of Jed's head pain. Which was very challenging, especially since pain meds cause all their own side effects, including constipation.

The first night he was back at my parents house with all of us, was great at first, but when night came, it was very rough, and I was up all night with him trying to help him be comfortable.

I woke up the next day feeling exhausted, and couldn't even wrap my mind around getting the kids caught up with school. We missed the last 3 or 4 days because I was so too emotionally and physically overwhelmed to help them before and after Jed's surgery.

It felt like the weight of it all had finally been too much to hold, and I was trembling at the knees trying to take care of Jed and the kids at the same time.

Luckily Jed was on the same page. The kids were too much and the noise made it hard for him to rest.

He didn't want everyone walking on egg shells around him, so he decided it would be best to take a few days at his parents where he could have quiet and peace.

As much as I hate being apart, this was such a relief to me, so I could continue to focus on my emotional healing as this has all been so sudden and heavy. 

It also made it so I wouldn't have to multitask, and just focus on getting the kids caught up with school.

When Debbie, Jed's mom came to get him, I just bawled that I couldn't go with him.

I wish that I didn't have to stay and worry about home schooling during such a hard crisis in our family. I just want to be with my husband. But I couldn't let my kids down, and I knew that Jed was in good hands with his parents, who both happen to be RN's.

I also knew that this was my time to heal and do the things that bring me strength.

After Jed left with his mom, the emotions got even more intense for me.

I've felt SO much gratitude, and have seen God's hand everywhere during this whole thing, so I felt really guilty for feeling what I was feeling.

I have grown already so much in all this, and I feel stronger than before.

But this emotion that was boiling inside wasn't gratitude, it wasn't comfort, it wasn't joy-

it was ANGER. It's an emotion that I'm not comfortable having, as I try to stay in a positive space as much as possible.

But I felt so mad that this was happening.

Just writing this phrase right now makes my eyes water- it's still there.

We were doing just fine.

It had been 10 years and we had worked so hard to build a life we always dreamed of.

Hadn't we learned enough 10 years ago and everything in between?

Jed had just spent 5 months away from our family for training for his dream career, 

while I stayed by myself with the kids. That alone was such a trial.

He had only been doing his dream job for 8 months for it to be yanked away while he goes through this.

We just moved to southern Texas and were just finally getting used to everything.

We were in a good routine with the kids and our jobs. Now it was all down the drain.

Now we are living out of our suitcases, away from a home we love so much.

Why did this have to happen during COVID-19 where I had to home school the kids, something I was already challenged by without anything adding to it.

And even worse- to be the reason I couldn't be there to comfort Jed before and after such a major surgery, or even meet his surgeon in person.

We had finally been able to set aside some savings to go on our dream trip with our kids this fall for our 15 year anniversary, now that was all going to go toward Jed's medical bills.

I've tried so hard to be a good person. I was reading my scriptures and saying my morning and evening prayers every day. I was trying to be like Christ..

As I write that final line, that is the reason WHY.

That is part of the reason we are here on Earth, to be like Christ.

He went through things that are beyond comprehension, and hard to even fathom.

He lets us go through hard things, but He promises to never leave us.

I have felt Him through this whole experience.

But I am still human and it still hurts. He allows us to suffer so we can be stronger and grow.

And it's okay to not be okay for a little bit.

Even Christ asked that if it be possible that the cup could be taken from Him when he atoned for our sins in Gethsemene.

Yesterday I was angry and cried that it wasn't fair.

That my cup could be removed from me..

I did my work-out as tears streamed down my face and I tried to hold it in.

I listened to my music that gave me motivation, and it still hurt.

I wanted to smash a room full of vases, but that wasn't an option hahaha- at least I know my parents wouldn't appreciate that ;)

I grew up playing softball and it is my favorite sport.

It has been a really long time since I've played, and I really miss it.

I asked my dad if he would pitch me a bucket of balls (like my childhood days) at the park across the street, so I could get some stress out.

He was happy to help, and we went across with the kids to fetch all the balls, and I hit and hit and hit until I could barely hold the bat anymore.

With every ball that came, I thought of something that I was angry about and I took it out on the ball.

It was so satisfying.

I came back feeling so much better and felt like me again.

I reflected once again on all that has happened. 

And thought of all the miracles, and how grateful I was.

I felt grateful that Jed was alive and that the surgery was a success.

I thought how grateful I was to be in Utah again for the time being, my true home that I love so much.

I felt grateful that we have the help of both of our parents, family and friends to get through this trial.

That even in Texas, I wasn't alone to face the trials there.

I felt grateful for all the amazing people in Texas, who are taking care of things there for us.

I felt grateful that we have a place to stay while Jed gets better.

And even more grateful that it was during spring on not winter (where it's too cold to enjoy the outdoors here.)

I felt grateful that we have such an incredible medical team, including our friend Sean Strope that I can text anytime of day when I have a concern. Who visits Jed in the hospital when I cannot.

I felt grateful to have a job where they were so understanding and supportive while I take a break to take care of my family and husband.

I felt grateful to have access to prayer and revelation.

I felt grateful for the trials I've had before to help prepare me for this one.

I felt grateful for the incredible support that has been shown to us, and that alone has changed me forever.

Today I am better and feeling hopeful and strong- and Jed is improving a little every day.

He is still post surgery Jed, but when the swelling goes down, I feel optimistic he will be himself again. He is light years ahead of where he was for 2010 Surgery, so that is reassuring.

This is the new normal, once again,  and I will adjust- We got this (One Mile at a Time!) 💪